ESSAY BY CHERYL V.-WHEN I WAS YOUNG

ESSAY BY CHERYL VERBEKE
WHEN I WAS YOUNG
When I was young, I met this French guy through a singles club
At first, I thought he was a real nice guy
However after I got to know him, this proved to be wrong
I don’t know how I ever fall in love with him
However one of the reasons could have been
That he grew on me awful quickly
At first, I thought I really loved him
However I think it’s this darkness which he set around me
Once, he fell in love with me, I knew right away
That there couldn’t be any pulling away from him
Because from the first time, I ever met this guy
He acted as though he owned me out of lust
And this lust really wasn’t good love at all
In fact once I realized, he loved me
I wanted to get rid of him in my live
Because he mostly wanted me jus to use me
I don’t think he really loved me in the real sense
I think it mostly was that all he wanted from me was sex
And he never considered my feelings for him at any time
In fact I don’t think I ever had any real feelings for him
If I didn’t give him when he demanded it from me
Then he would treat me like dirt and abuse me
I mean he really turned violet towards me at those times
Like I’ve already mentioned, all he wanted to do was use me
Not even once during my relationship with him, did he ever act
Like he really loved and cared for me at any time
The kind of relationship I had with him when I was going with him
Was the type that never developed into a loving one?
Since he always wanted to use and act like he always owned me
Our relationship never prospered and when the time came
That he had to move out of state to another area
Jus because he ended up getting stationed in Kalamazoo
Then when he had to leave me when he moved out of state
Jus because he had been in the National Guard
And we never saw each other again after he moved out of Michigan
So, when that time came by only after he left me for good
Did I realize that somehow he must have forced me?
To fall in love with him because it seemed that every night
I would slip more into this fantasy world with David Soule
Jus because I couldn’t handle being away from this French guy
Although I knew from my heart
That our love for each other never could have been real
So, I ended up buying every tape of this singer/actor, David Soule
And at least for about four years, although, my mom got help for me
I couldn’t stop crying for days and nights on end
Only when I fell deeply in a fantasy world with this one singer/actor
Did I find that I had been able to cope with my feelings?
And I continued to be in this fantasy world for years
Until, finally, I was able to get a hold of myself
And start facing the fact, that this one French guy
Had used me, the whole time, I had been in a relationship with him
Although, all that time, it never had been a healthy one
And there had been no way
That it ever could have been a good one for me
Because the whole time, I went steady with this French guy
All he ever did, was own me and use me, the whole time
I had been going with this French guy
And my inner world had always been a horrible one
In which he had been responsible for in making it turn out this way
Partly, because he actually had forced me
To go steady with him, and wouldn’t allow me
To see any other guy because he thought I was all his
And he also had forced me to get engaged to him
And also he would have forced me into an abusive marriage
If he hadn’t had to leave me like he had and move out of state